Sing the song with me peeps….. “gets behind me and keeps giving me that shove again”…..
And now that that song is firmly implanted in your head, I have a few confessions to make. I have been noticeably absent from my beloved BBMT blog for some time now - “are you still there????” – and it’s for a number of reasons.
I have been über busy… I took on a new job five months ago that has proven to be the most challenging and exhausting one I have ever had. Don’t get me wrong, there is love in what I am doing, however the stress levels have been high and the hours have been long. It’s a labour of love, and all labours have their “WTF am I doing???” moments and this one has had many. And due to a combination of sheer bloody mindedness (I CAN DO THIS) and a genuine desire to build the business into something to be proud of has kept me going but at the cost of any downtime, urge to do anything other than flob on the couch and the expense of any kind of social life.
My thyroid and fructmal have (I foolishly believed) been the best that they have been in years. I have dropped 20 plus kilos, not had any fructmal incidents and believed I was doing incredibly well.
Of course, reading this, you are waiting for the inevitable BUT!!!!!!!
And here it is…… this morning at 3am I have finally admitted to myself that it’s actually (to excuse the expression) a mixture of piss & bravado and distraction. I simply have gotten it VERY wrong. I had another vomiting bug less than 48 hours ago (the fourth in four months) and have woken up with glands that are HUGE and a head full of snot. AGAIN.
Here’s what I know. Yes, I have dropped 20 plus kilos, I look the best I have looked in many years and for the first time since my twenties, my weight has been stable and where it should be. Yes, I have achieved many things in my new role, and I love the little wins that I have been getting on the board. Yes, I haven’t had the major stomach upsets from my fructmal and have been able to eat things I haven’t eaten in years due to my gut having healed itself somewhat after not eating gluten/fructose for a long time. Yes, I have not felt the symptoms of my thyroid for nearly six months.
But there’s a reason…. They have been there all along it appears, just masking themselves under a different guise. Every time I have accounted feeling tired to the stress of my very busy role, every time I have blamed working with children for getting a bug/gastro/cold, and every time I have ignored the insomnia blaming it on “busy brain at 3am” due to putting pressure on self, I have been ignoring the fact that I am not well. And I am essentially “making” myself sick.
Image courtesy of explodingcomics.com
Sometimes the universe gives you a gentle hint about something. We mostly ignore that, then the universe gets concerned and gives you an obvious sign, which of course, I have ignored too. So the universe gets the shits with your stupidity completely and gives you an almighty shove so you faceplant and suddenly realise ” OH UM OOPS, that was obvious!” I may have bought myself six months of oblivion by being distracted, or it may be because (as hashi’s sufferers know) the thyroid is a tricky bastard shrouded in other symptoms, but regardless it’s time to face some facts.
Yes, on the outside I look great after dropping a huge amount of weight! But looking closer, it’s all due to stress, lack of eating properly (if I remember to at all) and if I really scrutinise, the signs are there. My usually clear skin is REALLY spotty under the surface (something that didn’t even happen in adolescence for me), my face is puffy and I have huge bags under my eyes. I wake up at 3am/4am every day with what I call “busy brain” and can’t go back to sleep regardless of what time I go to bed, until after several weeks of this, exhaustion finally kicks in and I do nothing but sleep for two days.
My thyroid is screaming ENOUGH ALREADY……. and I have been selectively deaf. When was the last time I got my levels checked???? When did I last eat properly for more than a day or so??? When was the last time I had a full night’s sleep and woke up feeling okay rather than the impending sense of “I MUST get this done today or X will happen” or “how am I going to fix X situation”. How often have I forgotten my meds??? And four cases of gastro/vomiting in four months, plus constant colds, migraines and glands the size of watermelons???? Come on Nic, even you would have pointed out anyone recounting this tale that she was being unbelievable DUMB thinking it was just working with rugrats that’s causing this.
Sigh…… it’s time to get serious again…. it’s time to do what I do the least – ask for help (stop sniggering) and to focus on myself (gak, I hate that !!!)……. Off to the docs I go…… full raft of bloods to be done and a solution to this new roundabout of uncontrolled proportions to be found….
I will admit this pic is purely an excuse to geek out…
Oh no, not another learning experience….. *mumbles under her breath words that shouldn’t be written on a blog*